"A guy out there was meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate, the one you can tell your dreams to. He’ll brush the hair out of your face. Send you flowers when you least expect it. He’ll stare at your during the movies, even though he paid eight dollars to see it. He’ll call to say goodnight or just ‘cause he is missing you. He’ll look in your eyes and tell you you’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you’ll believe it."
- Nicholas Sparks
I like this. Not really all the corny stuff at the begining (though all of that does sound really sweet). But the ending, the last phrase, “and for the first time in your life, you’ll believe it.” Not to sound conceited, because that’s not what I’m going for here, but I’ve heard that so many times. When I hear that, it’s like, “Oh, that’s so sweet of you to say!”, but never “Thank you” because I’ve never heard it and just completely accepted it. In reality, there’s always someone more beautiful than you in your own eyes. But, when you meet that one person who believes with their whole heart that every other woman pales in comparison to you, it should be different. I don’t know the difference yet, but I hope that someday I will. I want that. It’s like the book Blue Like Jazz. Donald Miller never appreciated jazz music until the day when he saw a saxaphonist on the side of a busy street playing his heart and soul out to jazz music. He had never liked jazz music before that moment. He then realized how much easier it is for you to love something once you’ve observed another person loving it. When that one man that was created to be with you loves you and shows you his love, your insecurities should fade away. You should be able to then love yourself.
I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m crying. I just had a mental breakdown. I need help. I really need help. I can’t do this by myself anymore. I completely set myself up for disaster. Why am I stupid? Why do I have one friend at my school? Why do I feel like all of the sudden God is gone. Yesterday was an amazing day. I want to kill myself right now. This is makes no sense anymore. Nothing is right. This is all bull shit. I’m supposed to be happy. Why can’t I just be happy? It’s not a hard thing to do. QWhy can”t I love myself for ME. Why do I define myself through others. Why do those other people always dissapear. Why can’t I talk to my mom. Why can’t I stop crying. Fuck everyone. I quit.
Everything seems so different between us, but my feellings are the same. I;m still frustrated with your stupid games and you still don’t trust me. But, when we’re together, you cannot even try to deny that it’s magical. Sitting and doing absolutely nothing, but feeling absolutely fufilled.